OK so… this is out of left field a bit but do you know the Nintendo character Kirby?
He’s a pink ball of cheerfulness and love, floating about in his games inhaling his foes and absorbing their powers like a vore-based Megaman. Kirby games seem like the most kid-friendly of the already accessible Nintendo games. And they generally are, its forgiving gameplay, the designs are cute and the main opponent is ostensibly a giant penguin in a bathrobe with a massive hammer.
Only… there’s a hidden side to all of these Kirby games and it becomes most readily apparent when you watch videos from the Smash Brothers series.
See… Kirby’s quite possibly the most powerful video-game character in existence and is, on record, a fictional character that has killed the equivalent of an Elder God. That tiny pink blob killed his universes equivalent to Cthulhu. And then also avoided one which was custom made to NOT be avoided in the Smash Ultimate intro.
For some added context here, in the Smash Brothers roster there are a few interesting characters – Ness, a psychic who vanquished the root of all evil in what can only be described as a chronological metaphysical abortion (Earthbound is another game that, while appearing kid-friendly, has a hidden veneer of JESUS CHRIST nightmare if you dig even slightly deeper), Shulk who in true JRPG fashion both kills and becomes a god by recreating his entire universe. And thats not mentioning Rosalina and Palutena who are both LITERAL goddesses, Palutena even being the divine being that empowers one of the other fighters.
In the intro to Smash Ultimate, all four of them get beaten by this god of light. Every single fighter succumbs. Except for Kirby. Just watch below if you haven’t seen.
But Kirby? Kirby don’t give a f*ck, Kirby escapes, frees everyone else and then destroys that thing AND its evil dark doppelganger. Because that’s par for the course for Kirby! The end game bosses of nearly all his games are cosmic horror shows that would drive a lesser man insane. Marx is one that appears in Smash, opening black-holes, warping reality to rend mind and matter. And what does Kirby do? He slaps the sh*t out of him! And it wouldn’t be hard because, as near as Reddit can work out, this pink boi slaps with 201 Megatons of Power which also means he can lift a small moon.
Never was this more apparent though than yesterday when Nintendo announced their newest fighter for Smash, Kazuya from Tekken. And while it was fun to watch him drop every other fighter into a volcano the same way he did to his son and his dad to him (the Mishima family should probably consider some non-magma based family counselling), it’s notable that at the end… well…
… I think I might be a little scared of Kirby.
Jimmy Hartill 